So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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