Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
