So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
