On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
