I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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