I CAN MOONWALK!
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
