1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
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