I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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