We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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