my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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