I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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