I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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