mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
