I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
