I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Randomize
