Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I need help removing her.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
