I accidentally had phone sex last night
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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