I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
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First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
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They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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