So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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