I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
what day is it and did you see me today?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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