our cab driver is having phone sex.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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