so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
