I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
