I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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