and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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