She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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