Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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