I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
