it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Panties = found
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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