Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
