How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
