Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
