i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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