11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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