you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
