There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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