stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
