please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The struggles of a small town man whore
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
