my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
