she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
