His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
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What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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