last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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