goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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