I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
