i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
