going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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