OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
