he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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