Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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