She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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