I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
