I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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