Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
