Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
