my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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