I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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