either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
