My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
