what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
