I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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