Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
