She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
