I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
kristin has been a bad kristin
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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