is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Found the puke drawer
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
