you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
