I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my sisters under your porch take her home
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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