walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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